i cant

i am TORN to pieces 

completely torn

yesterday i got an amazing new job

full time

big pay

working a job i know nothing about

but the second i left that office

i started questioning it

and debating

the war of

pro's and con's

of this new job was never ending

they were equal

today i had to tell my boss

about my new job

every time i thought of what i would say

and finally get the courage to say it

i would get the most gut wrenching pain

and it would suck my words back into me

i just couldnt!

then i had to help a customer

and i just blurted out

"i got a new job" to him

he looked at me awkwardly 

and said

"well thats nice"

i guess i was using him as a practice trial...

 

this is how the conversation went

when i finally grew the lady balls

to tell my boss

m: i have some sad news

b: your leaving us?

m: yeah, actually, i kinda got a new job

handed to me yesterday

its full time and pays

really well

b: i was about to give you full time and another pay raise

m: i didn't know that....

(long extremely uncomfortable silence)

m: i can still work here for two weeks

and help train any new employees

and thats the swing of it

then i left, the second i walked out

the door i burst into tears

not just streaming down my face

like these things were flying!

and i was sobbing

i was a mess

this is like breaking up with a boyfriend!

I AM IN LOVE

WITH MY JOB!

seriously

i love every thing about it

and having to give it up

incredibly painful

seriously the way i feel right now

is like i just broke up with a boyfriend

but almost worse cause

this was the PERFECT boyfriend

i am completely broken hearted

so on my way home i called my dad

and just cried to him for way too long

then i finally told him what had happened

and the conversation went like this

m: i just told my boss about the new job

d: how did she take it?

[i told him our conversation]

d: do you think she was kidding about full 

time and a pay raise?

m: no cause so many employees are leaving

i know they need a lot of help right now

d: well i think you should negotiate 

hours and pay with your boss

i know how much you love your job

and how hard it is to find a job you actually love

m: i know (more sobbing)

d: well you have to think do you want a job

you know and love or do you want 

to see whats behind door number two?

m: i dont know! daddy i am so lost!

d: feeling lost is a sign of unsurity

if your not sure about something

its probably not right

m: i just dont know

d: i know sweet heart but i would 

talk to your boss again and talk about

getting more hours and more money

m: but she was so angry! i dont want to

talk to her and what about ryan?

i already took the job

d: if your boss really values you as an employee 

she will listen to you and i will

help you with ryan

you are replaceable to him

not so much though to the sweet tooth

i've gotta go i will call you back when i can

then i sat in my driveway and cried some more

its not even noon....

and i still dont know what to do

am i being a baby by not taking a risk

and taking on a harder job?

i think i am fighting this so much because

i am such a risk taker

i love challenges

and thats what this new job is

its a challenge

but i am not sure its worth it...

F.M.L

to the max

someone help me.