uh oh

my sissy is getting sealed tomorrow! so road trip up to logan w/my other sis, her hubby and the lil brother! so excited. devin {bro in law} is a manager at a rock gym in murray so were going climbing then staying in a hotel. woo! im excited(:

but this is what is going on at my apartment while im gone! ^^ holden and travis showed up with video games and empty stomachs...awesome haha oooh these boys.

head vs. heart

why do i always follow my heart? my head clearly tells me "no" but my heart says "yes" i always follow my heart. always....A L W A Y S. and sometimes that screws me over. im so frustrated. why can't i just let it go?

official...

as of today i OFFICIALLY live at the apartment.

got dal, and we loaded up my car {twice}

with all my clothes and such and we moved it all in!

my feelings on leaving the nest?

well..on one hand

>the reason i moved out TODAY is because me and my dad got in a fight last night

annnddd it didnt end so well.

>paying for my own...everything

>no more baby brother :(

> still no t.v or microwave or toaster!

but on the other hand!

>no curfew!

>no fighting with parents...well...less fighting i suppose

>no rules!

>i can do whatever thee hell i want

>freeeeeeeeeeeddommmm

>big girl 

>learning to be more independent

right now all this ^ the good stuff is what im trying to focus on

of course im going to miss my parents!

im gonna miss mom's home made food

spending so much time with my brother

having lots of my own space

im gonna miss my HOUSE

my room

my bathroom

my bedroom for a closet

my bedroom

and not having to pay for anything!

its gonna be hard

me and dallas arent always going to get along

im gonna be a broke lil girl sometimes!

im gonna get home sick even though i just moved like 3 blocks away

but ya know what.

Y O L O

these will be the times that i will tell my future children about

this is a HUGE part of my life that will define who i am

i dont like that im moving out on bad terms with my parents...that SUCKS.

i feel thrown out basically.

though they would agrue that.

my feelings...they always argue my feelings.

how i feel is wrong. ugh.

so torn.

but i have just got to

L I V E

I T

U P.

updates

soooo we had my uncle come lay the tile in our bathroom! {thanks quincy!}

well...he had us help! ha ok...dallas helped! i watched...thats it.

like how you can see quincy laying there while dallas does the work? haha

 

almost done!

laying down the last piece

final product. we are extremely happy with it!

we also went grocery shopping today! 

now we have food!

real food.

we found this dog in the car next to us

he needed some lovin.

such a wonderful sight!

ha dal's mom bought us

celebratory sparkling cider

#wepartyhard

{^jokes.}

hashtags...ha.

im hilarious.

you've gotta keep your head up^

this is yet another post for Dallas.

Dal, d-lime, dal-tron, dalanator, dallie o mallie the allie cat etc.

i know your going through a lot right now

i dont quite know EXACTLY what it is

but i am not blind

i can see how its effecting you

i can see how stressed and worried and hurt you are

and through all that i can see how strong you are

maybe there isn't a whole lot you can do

but you sure as hell stay strong and you

NEVER let anyone get the best of you

i admire you for that

and i admire how you turn to the gospel for comfort and advice

i look up to you

i value your opinion on EVERYTHING

i know we dont ALWAYS get along

i know we get on each others nerves

but we dont vocalize it

we can simply feel the tension

and just know one or the other is bugged

and i can feel it dal

i hope us living together is one of the BEST things for our friendship

because i will be lost in a hole with out you

i love you like a sister

and i cherish our friendship

please know you can talk to me and come to me for anything!

sometimes i dont ask you whats wrong or whats going on

because i know you dont always like talking about it

and i dont want to bug you 

and i figure you will come to me if you need to

just KNOW 

i

am

here

for 

YOU

i will do anything for you.

and your family.

much much MUCH love

-McKayla LaVee 

realized

i guess it took me till today to realize that i am NOT in love with you anymore.

and that you have changed for the worse in my opinion.

cocky, hypercritical, inconsiderate, and full of yourself.

when i knew you, you were the complete opposite.

oooh how it 

breaks.

my.

heart.

i know this is not you.

and while i was standing there in your embrace

it came to me that right there was 

THE LAST

place i wanted to be.

i thought seeing you would be a good thing.

i was so excited.

i was so wrong.

oh how you have changed!

and when you kissed my cheek

i was angry.

there are no more lovey-dovey feelings left.

i am just hurt.

who are you now?

but go on your mission.

your looking REALLY prepared for that one.

best of luck.

awh yeah!

dallas never fails to make me shed tears from laughing so hard!

"someone likes three somes"

"i keep ripping the bottoms off my burritos...they're so sexy!"

"oh hey just so you know this concrete is WAY too cold to be walking on with no shoes"

i know no one else will understand all of that but i had to write them down so i could remember!

oooohh the things that come out of that girls mouth!

im so excited to LIVE with her.

the kitchen is COMPLETELY done

and i have a bed there now

our computer there is up and running except the internet..{annoying}

annnnndd no tv or microwave

and ordering the couch next week w/the paycheck...

but i just plan to move in like...tomorrow.

livin it up ghetto fabulous! 

 

kitchen. obvi.

 

living room!

well half of it.

not quite finished

but i LOVE our guitar rack.

now we can have day and night jam sessions!

gah.

i. am. SO. excited!

our bedroom isnt quite fully done yet

well...dallas doesn't have sheets for her bed

to match our room colors

but it'll all be up soon!

sissy time

we went to guru's with my sister{im lovin that place lately}

it was so good to just talk and spend some quality cheech time(:

as we have grown up me and my sister have

started to get along better

we would fight all the time as kids

but now that im out of high school

and she is married we actually enjoy each other

i love my family.

we be killin 'em

me and dallas found a million spiders at the apartment 

we had been killing them all day

and we were freaking done with them!

this was the last one and it 

took us forever to kill!

but this is seriously how it goes

EVERYTIME

we kill a spider.

 

•○•○•○

riding up to city creek

holden, me, travis

most dope

rocky mountain chocolate factory = DEE-LISH!

lady dates

guru's {not really ready for the picture but whatever}

our new favorite ice cream place

chocolate oreo cream pie shake and a Hawaiian smoothie

satisfied customers

d u h

if you have a problem with someone 

you should probably 

bring it to their attention.

ya know some old school

confrontation.

grow up.

 

distance...?

when something bad...something really bad is going to happen 

i get a tingling sensation in my cheeks and a huge knot in my stomach 

and i have to be outside because i get so claustrophobic inside. 

i have that now.

we all know the saying

"distance makes the heart grow fonder"

but does it REALLY?

i think...i may put that to the test...

i have seen it both ways...

in 8th grade my best best friend

and boyfriend colton draney moved to idaho

we were still dating

we had been dating for a year

while he was in idaho we dated

6 more months

then we broke up, i couldnt do the whole distance thing...

it made it easier for me to get over him though.

distance did not make my heart grow fonder

on the other hand

scott laxton

we had also been dating a year and a half

my sophomore year of high school

he was leaving for his mission

we fought

HARD

we broke up and kept fighting

right up until the day he left

the last time i saw him

he slammed my car door so hard he cracked my window

that was the last time i saw the 

boy i was so in love with

the boy that changed my life so much

we havent talked since january

but him being gone

has made me forgive him

and remember the good

in this case

distance has made the heart grow fonder

i guess im going to put this saying to the test

and see...

○◘○◘○◘still coming along

family coming over to the apartment tonight!

found a couch...just gotta wait for the paycheck 

so i can buy it, 

it even comes with a coffee and side table.

boo-ya.

ramblings

what is happening to me? i want to be left completely alone yet at the same time i dont want to be left alone at all...well i guess there are just a select few people i want to be around. its awful.

and im sick.

and the apartment has black widows and brown recluse's living outside...two of the most poisonous spiders IN AMERICA! nooo biggie...im just gonna DIE! 

buying my summer jam ticket...gonna do that right now hold on...DONE! woo im so excited!

my car wont start :( fml.

that was a bunch of complaining but im really not even in a bad mood right now!

when it hits

when missing you hits...it hits like a freight train. 

it comes out of no where in particular 

but when it does...it takes over my soul. 

tears come out of thin air, 

then it seems as if air disappears completely 

because im gasping for it.

 i think im still in denial...

you cant really be gone can you? 

just yesterday we were making pancakes at 3 a.m 

and watching nitro circus 

we were running back and fourth from your house to mine. 

{3 doors down}

how could someone  

so beautiful... 

so loving,  

so genuine, 

so important 

be gone from my life 

and the lives of many others? 

 i miss you. 

 i CAN'T 

put in words how i feel right now.

 im only writing this down because i think it helps a little...

once again you have changed my life.

cant help it

 

i cant. 

i seriously cant help loving the people i do,

 the way i do. 

whether its right or wrong, 

the right person the wrong time. 

the wrong person, the right time

 and so on....

i just cant help it.

 i love. 

i get my heart broken. 

i get my heart broken again and again and again...

but ya know what i would rather have a million heart breaks,

 i would rather love that much than not at all.

 if that makes sense to anyone else but me.

 but im falling in...maybe not love...but in like.

 i am falling in like.

 im falling in like with 

his smile and the way his anger turns into laughter,

his kisses, his hugs, his scent, his eyes, 

the way he holds my hand when he drives, 

and when he calls me at work, 

im falling in like with his care free spirit, 

im falling in like with the way he treats me with such respect, 

and how we argue and butt heads how we fight and are dead serious 

but we laugh because we both hate being mad 

so that anger turns into long gentle kisses 

to cuddling and whispering silly things to each other. 

im falling in like with the sound of his heart beat 

that i tune into so deeply while i lay on his chest 

that i can hear nothing else...

and i know i shouldnt, 

but i cant help it, 

and im not going to try and fight it anymore. 

come what may. 

weekend.

it's been an eventful weekend so far!

 friday night i catered for the sweet tooth fairy 

at a wedding for macy, h

er dad owns the stf and i work w/her. 

it was the most beautiful wedding! 

oh my goodness i cant even put in words 

i just wanted to cry it was so incredible! 

then i went to summer fest 

met up with a bunch of friends 

and we all went hot tubbing at this girls freaking sweet house! 

but the hot tub was kinda cold. 

santino was instructed by a sleepy colton to baby sit me...seriously?

 haha too funny. cause tino it the one that needs to be babysat in reality! ha. 

so that was fun then i went to bed and woke up really early

 to open the bakery...it was a looonnnng shift 

then i went to peaks with taylor, clark, and chelsey...

it was really awkward actually...so i left! 

and was with some other friends and we went back to summer fest 

but the wind is blowing so crazy! 

so we went to denny's but i was too full to eat all the food i ordered, 

stupid choice.

 now i think im going BACK to summer fest geeze

 then hot tubbing and who knows what!!! i

m just excited, its been a good weekend 

and on sunday im going to lagoon! 

i cant wait!(: i hope its not so windy like today.

keep on keeping on

saw my sissy katie yesterday, we don't ALWAYS get along 
but it was SOOO good to see her
 we made cookie dough and 
got cafe rio and just talked.
 it was great. i miss her sometimes. 
then i went to sammy's with dal 
and we saw a movie. 
that girl time fixes everything for me i swear. 
today has been ROUGH! 
when i went into work whitney immediately asked me if i was okay 
and i just burst into tears! 
she came and gave me a hug 
and just held me till i pulled myself together 
and was finally able to tell her about...
well everything thats been going on.
 i dont feel like me anymore. 
the way i feel is not the mckayla i know i am. 
i am constantly 
scared, sick, anxious, and i just feel empty. 
i am terrified. 
i dont feel like i know what i want. 
nothing makes me truly happy. 
my parents and i have a terrible relationship right now 
which just adds on to everything else! 
i just need to move out.
 i've been saying that for MONTHS! it feels like 
but seriously the apartment is coming along so good! 
its freaking hard to furnish a place! 
paycheck by paycheck..its getting closer. 
but i spent most of the day with dallas and that helps, 
she makes me laugh and forget all my troubles. 
while we were working on the apartment 
she showed me a spider she trapped under a cup a few days ago 
it was HUGE! 
a wolf spider or something? 
whatever it was it was some demon that escaped from the amazon! 
we drowned it in bug killer and it didnt die FOREVER! 
uugghhh but eventually it did...
anyway that was exciting and all. 
one of our biggest problems moving in together 
remains where the heck are we going to put all of our clothes!? 
there is just not enough room 
we have thrown out all clothes possible and STILL! 
not enough room 
we already  have like 3 dressers and 2 closets. 
what a joke. my closet is already another BEDROOM! wow. 
but we will figure it out.

melanoma monday..

last night was great, hung out w/colton, john and santino 

we went to red robin 

and all laughed our heads off at santino sucking up strawberries from his straw 

and...laughing at everything john said 

and at coltons laugh. 

then we watched water boy and four christmas's 

i got home around midnight (way too late) 

because i had to get up at 5 to go to work! 

i had to open the bakery today with ellie

 everything was going smoothly we were right on time 

then ellie pulled out TRAYS AND TRAYS of cookies from the freezer 

and she said "awh amanda is so sweet she already made the cookies for us" 

then i remembered those cookies were for a HUGE order due...TODAY! 

this order consisted of 16 DOZEN cupcakes and 14 DOZEN cookies...

they also had to be delieverd to noah's in lindon by 11..it was 9 

we sat there and stared at each other for a while not even knowing where to start 

then the adrenaline kicked in and we got going! 

we got the order together and ellie sped away with it all in her car...

but we didn't put out any pastry's for the store...which opens at 10:30....

it was insanity! we had to bake EVERYTHING! it was so crazy

 i worked from 6-2:30...while i was at work i got some very scary news......

my dad texted me informing me that i have a 1000% increased chance of having melanoma...

which is skin cancer. that is a guarantee. 

1000% it shortens your life span by 40% 

i have melanoma because of my scar...

i have a post about it but in case you haven't read it 

when i was 2 i poured boiling water on my left shoulder 

and i had to get a skin graph then 2 years ago i had to get surgery on it 

because the skin was SO TIGHT! it was the worst pain! 

i couldnt move my arm! it was unbearable! so i got z-plasty incisions 

which fixed the problem...well the pain problem. 

but skin graphs are more prone to cancer because the skin in SO thin. 

my scar is HUGE! it covers my 

shoulder, down  my arm, back of my neck, part of my back, 

my ear, and my collar bone down my chest. its a nasty one. 

when i first got burned we were informed of my high risk of cancer 

and i was banned from the sun. seriously. 

and then when i was allowed in the sun again i had to wear a body suite to cover it! 

its just so sensitive! so when my dad told me this news 

we knew there is just no way i could escape this cancer...

im too burned too scarred i've been in the sun too much already..

when he called me and told me i lost it at work. 

i paced around the kitchen on the phone, 

i sat on the dirty floor and cried gasping for air 

then my co workers told me to go home 

and once i got in my car i was numb. im not crying anymore. 

im just scared stiff. i dont know what this means. 

i feel like im staring death in the face. 

this is all rather over dramatic possibly but i have NEVER 

been so scared in my life. 

im terrified. 

what if they dont catch this in time and its too late? 

im thinking of all that could go wrong. 

maybe i'll be fine. maybe i'll be in a hospital next week. 

not knowing...kills me even more. its all up in the air. 

were going to a doctor this week. 

so...i guess we'll get more answers here soon. 

but i feel like there goes my summer. 

because i have to stay out of the sun.

 i CANT afford to sunburn my shoulder anymore...im devastated :( 

post grad

its taken me awhile to get to this. 

its been pretty busy since graduation...

well not really busy i've just been out having a good time(: 

so i graduated....whoop whoop!!! 

didn't even fall or anything walking out.

seminary graduation with tiffany 

my brother = the best influence on me

sib love

sissy and dev 

Wach family left to right Kenzie, Tanner, me, Angela, and Brit

^^ this is taylor's family. and i love them with my whole heart. when i walked out of the "M"

i heard my name yelled SO LOUD. when i walked out and found these guys...turns

out it was angela(: it made me feel like a million bucks.

and can i just say i miss coming over every sunday

to watch the walking dead or a movie

and i just miss all of you guys. im so glad your all still a part in my life

i love you all so dearly, and miss you guys.

thanks for being there for me(:

then taylor FINALLY showed up. his cute grandparents in the background(: love them too.

this punk right here(:

going to chili's 

^^^ this was after the senior all nighter

im glad dal came(: we had fun.

this was taken at 5 or so a.m

uuggghhh i slept till

FOUR

the next day...

FOUR!

are you kidding me?!

anyway....graduation is over...moving out

is coming close and closer...

money is the only issue...paychecks

just dont come fast enough...