it feels good to wear clothes

so in my last post i informed you that my skin graft was not taking, monday i went to the doctor and he took a look at it he said that is completely normal it was only 10% that didnt take, he says everything is looking great! he also told me i do not need to wear a bandage on my shoulder anymore..that i can just wear my regular clothes on it...WHAT?! i feel SO vulnerable and naked! me and my mom looked at each other in shock! but i took his word on it...no more bandages for me! but i still try to hid it the best i can...with collard shirts because...it looks pretty gruesome and intense...no one wants to see that! especially if they have a weak stomach...like the other day me and zac went into iggys so i could get my pay check, we went up to the bar to talk to brock cause he is our good friend and he was like "show me your scar" i was like "seriously? there are people RIGHT there..EATING! you will loose business if they see this!" haha so we went into the back where EVERYONE came to take a look but they are alllll guys working there so they were just like wow thats gnarly..sweet..dang girl etc. but i cant even stand to look at it! at night i have to put this cream on it and i have to take breaks and sit down and take some deep breaths! bleh! anyway it feels good to wear normal clothes once again...but now i have the problem every morning of "ugh what do i wear?!" hahah i am also off my heavy narcotics so i can drive! yeee! haha aaannnnnddddd i got a new iphone! thanks mama! and today is my first day back at the sweet tooth fairy! i might cry...seriously i LOVE my job(s) sweet tooth is home to me! baking is just ma thang! and i cant wait to see all my employees! im so excited! so i will go to work now! (:  

(:

Last night zac and I went to la jolla groves for some divine Italian pasta then to the Rocky Mountain chocolate factory for pretzels and caramel then back to his house to chit chat with his parents and family friends Kev and Jamie I sure do love all those folks like family anyway then we went to see "a haunted house" which was hilarious! Then back to Zacs but my shoulder was killing me I was behind on my meds but this pain was excruciating so he took me home I took some medicine and went straight to bed. I felt better in the morning but not 100% anyway my mom washed my hair for me since I'm not allowed to shower and she is so nice! Then zac came over and I got ready but we had to change my bandages so me and my mom were in the bathroom when she starts freaking out so I freak out and am like what is going on! Turns out my graft isn't taking anymore? Part of it was...well falling off....I cried and my mom called the doctor he told us to put this stuff on it and we will see him Monday...i don't know what to expect but I'm scared and sad...but I'm okay, then zac and I went to chilis for lunch and now were back at my place with my sister and her hubby and their dog cooper watching vampire diaries. I am so content right now laying on one end of the couch with zac on the other with our fingers entwined...I can just look up to see his blue blue eyes and smile(: he is so good to me...I've learned a lot through my past relationships and I have also matured I have a better idea of what I want and don't want etc. and with zac, the way he treats me every single thing he does for me like stomping down the deep snow for me and soaking his feet so I don't get the snow in my shoes cause I'm wearing heels it's just things like that that I know with out a doubt he loves me and I can only do my best to do the same for him. I am one lucky lady.

a random post

i will say i sure dont mind sleeping in till..basically whenever i want, it sure beats waking up at 5:30 a.m for work to a dark sky and a frozen car ride. so thats lovely. also i got out last night! zac and i have this thing for mexican food and we just couldnt resist mi ranchito...my  treat, cause he has been so so good to me lately, coming over everyday right after work meeting my every demand and still keeping me company in my doped state of mind, what a doll. i have many many many crazy/strange/scary dreams on lortab...it freaks me out! but that wont keep me from sleeping that for sure! and its friday! i get to go out again! movies, mini golf, and the riverwoods and just calling out "MCKAYLA, ZAC, OVER HERE!"  cant pass that up, i just sure wish i could get all this stupid bandaging off me! its SOOO not a fashion statement i can rock...lets see what else...new iphones for the whole family! woot woot! dont even have my new one yet but i couldnt resist buying it this

sooo cute!!! and believe me there will be many more purchased! and im getting my eyelashes filled in like..45 minutes by my...eyelash lady? bri she just got back from PARIS! we have mucho catching up to do! i plan to live vicariously through her stories haha shes a so cute(: and thats it! im off!

have a amazeballs weekend everyone!

feeling better

ahhh yes i am coming around! feeling back to normal, my last dr. appointment went just swell! everything is looking great! although there is some bandaging stuck to my leg it should come off eventually...my shoulder is looking "great" only a dr. would look at my shoulder and say that...i look at it and am like...WHAT. IS. THAT. gah....

yesterday i snuck out for some therapy...of the retail kind. having two jobs and both those paychecks just sitting there was kinda saddening me...so i changed that with a top, a vest, some wedges and a necklace...ooohh im feeling so much better.

today however since im feeling so good is extra sucky! im walking! im walking like a normal person! that is HUGE! im feeling....alright...ish. but im so sick of gossip girl, magazines, fetch with my dog and sleeping! its only fun for so long...i may have had a mini melt down...feeling extra lonely and started to cry quite a bit, then my bro showed up, let my pooch in to keep me company and gave me a real long hug while i cried on his shoulder, i promise its the drugs fault! they make me emotional, well more emotional than normal.

in other news if i continue to feel up to it i will be going on a date this weekend! HALLELUIAH! get me outta here!

annnd thats about it.

for now. 

a little less out of it

ok! im feeling more like myself today! thank goodness! today i go back to dr. bishop to get my stitches out...they stitched the padding onto my skin! *cringe* bleh! but i finally get these bandages changed! everyone has continued to be so great to me, my sister and  brother in law came down with cooper and they brought me TONS of movies and a blanket and katie painted my toes and zac has been so so wonderful! its so nice to have him around, he makes me laugh and doesnt even mind how many times i fall asleep on him! what a doll, this morning i woke up feeling TERRIBLE! i felt sick to my stomach, my head was pounding, my wounds hurts i just wanted to die! but we got some food in me and i sat up and i started to feel better then my dog sam came in and we have been hanging out all day she is the best dog ever! i still feel all hazy and i have a hard time comprehending most stuff but hey im trying...im not excited to have to get dressed today...haha im getting SO lazy...uhmmm well here is what im sure you all have been wanting to read anyway! the funny things i said in the hospital!

→ i was convinced that justin bieber did my surgery, and that he preformed for me and i was really upset that he didnt come back to sing for me again...i dont even like JB that much...

→i was BEYOND OBSESSED with these crackers they gave me in the recovery room called lonna doones i have made my mom go out and buy them for me twice!

→the nurse asked me what i wanted to drink and i told her apple juice, so she goes and gets it and my family is trying to give it to me and im like i dont even like apple juice! so they convinced me it was mtn. dew, then i got mad at everyone cause they kept spilling it on me

→i was mad at my brother, kyle for being there cause he was supposed to be in school....but it was like 4:30

→i kept offering everyone my oxygen monitors "hey mom you want to wear this?" "dad you should wear this it will look so good on you"

→my hand was under the blanket and i couldnt find it so i freaked out and made kyle help me find it

thats all i can remember right now, im feeling all dizzy its time to lay back down...bllaaahhhh so boring! but good news! i can still go snowboarding! in like march...but hey! im stoked!

hazy

surgery went well, they said it would only take about 45 minutes but it actually took like 2 hours, why?! i have no clue, the past few days have seriously been a blur, between the pain pills, the sleeping pill and the cold medicine im hardly conscious. no joke. i wake up to eat, change my clothes cause im constantly sweaty {nasty} and take more medicine. let me tell ya im living the life. but hey my mom got me netflix so gossip girl all day everyday! if i can stay awake for a full episode...also zac has been a total angel...hes always right by my side bringing me anything i ask for (chinese food, glamor magazine, hot chocolate etc.} i name it and that boy is on it! but i feel so bad keeping him coped up with me, i mean he could be out with his friends but he insists on staying with me...while i sleep...sheesh he is just too kind! we did start watching vampire diaries...its alright but i think he is more into it than i am! hahaha im just so glad he is around he puts me in such a better mood...and i also try to actually stay awake and not medicated around him, my mom has also been wonderful...waking me up every 2 hours for medicine and food and changing my ice...my thigh hurts more than my shoulder surprisingly...i get my stitches out tomorrow AHHHH im terrified cause when i had my z plastys done i had like 200 stitches and getting them out was THE MOST painful part! this post is pretty chaotic cause im just trying to blog real quick for the heck of it....i was trying to read some of the blogs i follow and i couldnt even comprehend it! i feel awful...gaahhh everything is so slow and hazy...why would people do drugs to feel like this!? i hate it! honestly. well...back to gossip girl and my ice water...life is just so exciting lately...oh and i keep having dreams about shopping! im a shopaholic i know...must shop....laters. oh and cause bandaging my shoulder is so awkward i dont have to wear a bra ever! no boob jail! just button up shirts or hoodies and spandex and tall socks...up thats my swag these days.

this is a long one!

tomorrow at 12:30

is my surgery

i made sure to shower

and shave my legs REALLY good

cause that is where they will be taking

the skin from

i dont want a hairy patch on my shoulder! 

and i painted my nails

and my sissy got me a whole bunch of magazines and treats

thank you cheech! 

and my boyfreennn brought me 

an orange dream machine smoothie{obsessed}

and sprite

and MORE treats

sheesh im gonna gain some serious weight

NOT COOL

not a good way to start off the new year

but on the other hand the start off

of this new year is better than last year

2012 SUCKED

the end.

2013...lets be the best year of my life so far?

deal? k great.

anywayyy!!! 

looks like gossip girl

magazines

netflix

and pills are gonna be my

new besties! 

im really nervous

i think im going to puke 

gah i just want it to be over already

• • • • •

me and my dad went snowboarding today!

we went up to canyons

ran a few runs

stopped in at the sun lodge for some

fries and a drink

ran a few more runs

aannnd then

i was WASTED!

i have had a serious cold for the past few days

and man being outside in that FREEZING

weather was NOT helping

i was short of breath

dizzy

stuffed up

sneezing

and so tired

it kinda sucked...

sorry dad

then we went to 

baja cantinas

BEST MEXICAN FOOD EVER

its in park city

check that ish out cause it was AMAZEBALLS!

then we went to rocky mountain chocolate factory

and got alll sorts of stuff

all my favorite things in one day!

how lucky am i?

while we were eating lunch we were

talking about my surgery and my dad

told me about this one night

it was like the second night after

my skin graft and i was in so much pain

my parents gave me twice the medicine they were supposed to

and i was still not having it

so they called my Dr.

and he said to keep giving it to me till it started working

that i wouldnt over dose or aynything

so they gave me FOUR TIMES the

prescribed amount 

i was barley 2 mind you all

and then my dad told me how he remembered that day

he was down stairs watching tv

thinking how nice it was to relax

then he heard me scream

and it was the worst sound he has ever heard

he found me on the landing

wet and my shoulder was

STEAMING

he grabbed me and jumped in the shower with me

running the water freezing cold

my parents took me to the ER

while my dad was soaking wet

and the nurses there poured

bottle after bottle

of freezing water on me

i was shaking

and my lips were blue

and i was crying

but they had to cool my shoulder down

they had to make it stop boiling 

i am so glad i dont remember that

because hearing about it makes me cry

when i hear about it 

it doesnt seem like something i went through

it just sounds like a horror story

i think what makes me the saddest about that

is how much it hurt my parents

how responsible they feel for it

especially my mom

thats what hurts the most

it has put a huge gap in our relationship

this is a really big deal to me

because i feel like i am going to re-live my childhood nightmare

even though this wont be nearly as bad!

but when you burn 20% of your body

you have SUCH A HIGH RISK OF DYING

my dad said i probably should have died

i was SO SMALL

i burned 20% of my two year old body

i am so thankful for all those nurses

and Dr.'s who worked on me

as nervous as i am for tomorrow

i am also excited

for this pain to be over!

anyway im gonna TRY to sleep now...