seventeen

this is my last day being 17! thats crazy to think, i'll be an ADULT! its actually kind of scary....but WAY more exciting! being 17....wow such a hard year for me....seriously this has been the most dramatic year i have ever had....so much has happened i have experienced so much loss! it breaks my heart. i hope this next year of my life brings much happiness and strength! but i know that no matter what happens i will have my amazing, loving family by my side at the end of every day, at the beginning and end of every struggle and success, they are always there. and i am so lucky to have a family in general. we all got together and had lunch today then went to my aunts house for a surprise birthday party for my mom, IT WAS SO FUN! pictures will be up eventually. but being with my family is what brings me the most happiness lately, because they GENUINELY LOVE ME. and that my friends is an amazing feeling. so much is going to change this year....college, moving out, maybe even moving away! just growing up in general! im excited, scared, nervous, anxious all those normal growing up feelings. 

im slightly dreading tomorrow for just one reason...bekki. bekki has always made my birthday fun! she always did some crazy thing for me! and with out fail she would SOMEHOW sneak into my house at odd hours and take me on some adventure! EVERY YEAR! skinny dipping, streaking, going to new places to eat, going for a drive, forcing me to do the craziest things, she always pushed me out of my comfort zone, she always made my birthdays memorable and fun and .... im just so sad she wont be here .... i think about her everyday and i miss her more and more! i cant put into words how much it breaks me down, how much it hurts, ive never lost someone like this. i love you so much bekki. i wish you were here.

cheech time

my sister(katie ashby) and i went shoppin!

we never really see each other cause...well she is married

does anyone else think that we dont look alike?

cause we dont really see it

we got matching charity bracelets!

TWINSIES!!!

now im sure you all really care to see what i purchased!

dont fret i took pictures

haha or i was just really bored and blogging

3 times a day is what i resort to...

no biggie i have plans at 7

i do have some kind of life!

coral colored flats

these babys will make mama look 

ttaannnn

colorful body skirt

these tight little suckers are

a guaranteed

NO MOVEMENT

artical of clothing...

but cute as can be

so its worth the sacrifice

lets just hope i dont get chased by a serial

killer or i'd be screwed! 

a girl can dream, right?

it will all start with this

i know i want a lace dress

so maybe something like this...?

or this...?

wedding colors maybe, 

just an idea

bouquet

his ring, i love this idea,

your fingerprint on the inside of his ring

outdoor reception

well...maybe this one

i like them allll

then we will live happily ever after

and fall more in love every day!

bora bora for our honeymoon?

sure why not

and have a beautiful daughter like this

come on skinny love

BON IVER: SKINNY LOVE

my newest obsession...i discovered him yesterday and bought his CD about a half hour later

great stuff. enjoy.

wednesday.

im not even sure of how i feel at the moment. if it's good or bad..happy or sad....but i do know i really....REALLY miss a couple people right now and more than ANYTHING i could use a hug a big huge hug! but im home alone...i should have taken my brother up on that before he left...but i just pushed him away and told him i want to be alone....i NEVER want to be alone (ok well sometimes i do but like 80% of the time i like having people around me they dont have to know me or be interacting w/me just nearby) any who...school is almost over....high school is almost over...is that real? is this day really coming?! im so excited. i cant even try to tell you how happy i am! im graduating! im rarely at school anyway honestly but to never have to go back! (: it just puts a big smile on my face. also prom is this weekend. im going with scott stokes! scott is my little brothers best friend haha and my best friends little brother and he is a stud! haha we always flirt to bug our siblings cause it creeps them out. but im so happy im actually going to my senior prom i really didnt think i would get asked! soo THANK YOU SCOTTY! i've been in such a weird mood today! gahh good thing i got paid...i guess i will go shop it off? and my birthday is on monday! 18 finally! what am i gonna do? ...nothing. but i will think of something! derek's birthday is on the 21 so maybe we will have a combined party? i dunno. this blog is really scatterbrained so enjoy.

i blogged a difference

yesterday  me and dallas were at the school before the black light stomp to get some clothes out of our gym lockers and Mr. Glahn stopped us and asked if we had blogs...we both said yes and he asked if one of us blogged about bullying i said yes i did and he told me that someone on student council or something read my blog and bekki and how bullying changed my life and that because of that blog our school had "take a stand week" which is kind of like anti-bullying just named differently. when he said that my heart just dropped a million feet. what? i made a difference? i remember hearing about take a stand week at school and i was so happy i really hoped people would get involved and stand up and be against bullying! i was just so happy something was being done about it at school and when Glahn told me my blog was the inspiration behind it i just...ok i did i cried. because after bekki passed i've really tried to watch how i treat people, im not perfect but i try, im more aware of it. im so happy i was secretly behind such a good cause at school! i blogged a difference. (:



also the black light stomp. it was grand. my last few posts have been venting and anger...not much fun to read...but i'll try to blog about more positive things. so anyway i went with dallas of course ha and tiffany and we had a grand time, we lost tiffany a lot so...it was me and dallas but you know what, we dont need anyone else to have fun cause we danced around in the front corner by ourselves and it was fun! and last night i just went to that dance thinking "all these people that dont like me, that have some problem with me, that say things about me behind my back, they HONESTLY, TRULY DONT MATTER! and the people trying to get a rise out of me, trying to make me mad and hurt my feelings (because there were people there doing that) they cant make me feel anything with out my consent. they can try to start drama and hut my feelings but all they are doing is hurting themselves because they are feeling contention and negative feelings while im not." i have once and for all decided to rise above those people. i dont need a million friends in high school to be happy, i dont need to be asked to dances to be happy, i dont need to do drugs and drink to be happy. i have the best friend (dallas) ever. and together we have more fun than we would with anyone else. and for that im so grateful. again high school is just a small part of life and soon all those people wont matter! what a blessing that is(:

keep your eyes open.

everyone says senior year is the best, its the most fun, last year being a kid, etc. well...i guess those people didn't have the senior class i do. i have never ever had a worse year of school in my life. its not school thats so rough i guess its other things, but school well the people at school...ok SPECIFICALLY THE SENIOR CLASS they suck. ok WE suck. i suck too. i honestly dont even want to start complaining about why i hate my senior class because i will take it way too far then everyone will hate me more? probably. but...everyone has their own battles to face...mine are just harder than yours or something. im totally kidding. im basically emotionally unstable right now you could say because i did just leave school bawling my eyes out while clutching for dear life on my brothers arm while everyone stared at me...thats always fun. good thing we made it to the car and i was able to drive. its been a rough day to say the least. but just one more day of school tomorrow till spring break and i only have first period. i have a huge test in there and call me crazy i LOVE test. i love having my knowledge pushed i love figuring out problems and such. so..its wont be that bad. and my dear friend kenzie gets home on friday/saturday and derek gets home monday. those two people have been so great lately. i love 'em.

now for a subject change. listen carefully to the lyrics of this song. this song is just how i feel lately. everyone is watching each other to see them FAIL not succeed. we live in a twisted world where we need others to fail to feel good about ourselves. that is so messed up. and we have to keep our eyes open even when we sleep because to me it seems like i have to keep my eyes open because i have to watch out for myself 24/7 you never know what is going to come at you and you always have to be prepared and its EXHAUSTING!  it makes me scared for my brother. i hope high school is good for him. i hope he picks good friends and is a good friend to others. he already is all those things...i just hope high school and peoples twisted expectations dont change him. my brother is my EVERYTHING....i just love him unconditionally and im glad that he is in high school with me this year because i really have needed him. he is always there to give me a big hug and let me cry on his shoulder in between classes just so i can get myself together. he is an angel. keep strong...keep moving forward...keep your head up...fake it till you make it....and all that good stuff.