off topic

todays challenge, a list of links to my favorite posts in my archives.

ready set...

the first one that came to my mind was this one

hear you me

i honestly think that is the only blog i have ever written that i care for anyone to read. that is the most meaningful blog i have ever written. its not exactly what i said in it...but what i felt when i was writing it and what i feel each time i read it again. these feelings...of anger, hurt, sadness...and hope.

i have had my heart broken by boys a handful of times. ive been through awful breakups...ones that ended in screaming and tears...ones that ended in kissing and silence.

i have had my heart broken by friends. and that is 100x worse than any relationship ending. im going through one of these right this second. and it is...excruciating. i honestly can NOT explain how awful this feels.

but the worst heart break i have ever had was when i lost bekki. losing her didnt hit me when i heard that she was in a hospital when i was walking to seminary. it didnt hit me when i went to the hospital that day and saw her, when i stood over her, when i held her hand and couldnt think of anything to say. it didnt hit me when i heard she had finally passed. it didnt hit me when i went to her viewing. it hit me when i was up on the pulpit at her funeral and i was going to play the guitar and sing hear you me. that was an awful time for it to hit me i mean i had to sing...i had to be okay. i made it through the song. i sat down and i peeled over and sobbed. it hits me again, right now as i type this. as i fight the tears. the lump in my throat, the sting in my eyes,the quick breaths i take to keep the wailing cries inside me. the nights i am alone, needing a friend more than ever and having nothing but the darkness. those are the nights bekki would text me but more often than texting me in those desperate moments she would knock on my door, tap on my window...BREAK INTO MY HOUSE! because she just knew. she had a 6th sense and that was that she knew when others were hurting. and she knew how to comfort them. she could bring anyone out of any darkness out of any pain. this skinny, tiny, little girl could lift mountains off peoples shoulders. i feel bad for the people who didnt know her, for the people who had the chance to and turned away. because this girl changed my world.

once again i have drifted off topic. i tend to do that. but hey...its my blog.