after a brutal day at work when i was able to leave and i stepped outside i took a deep breath, as i inhaled it felt like my entire body was full of air, and i would float away, i exhaled till i felt dizzy and about passed out, and during those few seconds where everything went white, i noticed the warmth of the sun on my skin, and it was probably the most glorious feeling. it was like the sun was giving me the energy i needed just to make the drive home.
i have so many decisions to make, so many life changing, unavoidable decisions. and honestly i dont want to make any of them! cause i just cant win! i know that i will do what is best for ME and makes ME happy but which ever way i go i will get hurt equally regardless. there is no "better" choice. which flat out sucks. and im just tired...im tired of people not being dependable, im tired of seeing loved ones hurt and suffer, im tired of growing up, im tired of feeling like its me against the world, and when i really need certain people there for me they arent! as much of a struggle as this is i know it is some how a blessing, making me stronger and smarter and i will face it with a smile. i know i can overcome these things that are tearing me down. and i will look back and i will be a better person someday its just SO hard to deal with NOW. everyone is telling me do what makes YOU happy but what makes me happy is making other people happy. and by doing what i think is best for ME wont make others happy {i.e my family, and bosses at work} so what do i do? ya see, i cant win. follow my heart, i know that...and i have been but i feel like following my heart will also break it. which doesn't sound right, following your heart should make you happy but its gonna break, im gonna hurt, and im going to loose people, and relationships that i dont really want to on my way to make me happy and improve my life. according to me. so how am i supposed to do what makes me happy... but hurts other people that i dont want to hurt....i cant stand here forever. i cant live the life i am living and go NO WHERE i know i am going to do bigger and greater things with my life. i guess in the end i am all that is holding me back. and im sure this post makes NO SENSE to ANYONE! because i am not telling you what my choices, and struggles are. but i feel much better typing it out. so i hope your brain is as fried as mine is now. happy sucky wednesday.
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