HEAR YOU ME

tragedy.

one of my best friends bekki campbell

committed suicide on the 16th

she lived three doors down from me and we have been best

friends for 6 years

SIX YEARS

when i first met bekki i was

SO SHY

SO QUIET

SO AFRAID

bekki was wild and adventurous and outgoing

she was the one who broke me out of my shell

because of her i am who i am today

she MADE ME ME

she taught me to be accepting and friendly

she taught me some of the most valuable things in life

bekki made me a stronger person

one thing that has always stuck with me that she would tell me

all the time is

"you can't let others make you feel bad for being you, this is me

and if you dont like it SCREW YOU!"

she would yell that where ever we were at strangers

and i laughed at it then...but now i find myself screaming

that in my head at EVERYONE at school

she taught me to be proud of who i am

and she always told me how great of a person i am

bekki always lifted others up and made them feel

WORTH SOMETHING

when the felt absolutely worthless

and no one deserves to feel that way...

bekki is out of this painful world now and in a better place...  

everyone who ever knew her learned something from her

spunky attitude...i cant find words

to describe how i feel but these past few days have been

the hardest days i have EVER faced in my 17 years of life

and it has really opened my eyes

to life and its worth and friendship and family and who is

and who isn't important anymore

on sunday i left church after the first hour because

i couldn't handle it i was just too much of a mess to be there

and bekki's parents came over a few minutes later

not only did they both hold me while i ruined their sunday clothes

with mascara they were there for ME when it was their daughter

they lost they are so strong they made me laugh and

remember the good THEY COMFORTED ME!

they are the definition of strong

later that same sunday her brothers rory and ryker came over

as well and talked with me

the campbells are me second family i was over at their house

EVERYDAY!

i was their other daughter...

im so thankful they came to me to comfort me...when what they

are going through as a family is so much more than i can

comprehend...

a death so tragic opens my eyes to the world we live in and how

evil it is! high school is FULL of bullies!

i have been bullied i am being bullied!

all of you in your tight cliques you wont accept

anyone else into them you don't befriend those who could use

some friends your so exclusive!

ITS A JOKE!

im to blame as well im not perfect

but THIS IS A JOKE!

we are all human is it going to kill you to hang out with someone new?!

kids are bullied to SUCH EXTREMES AS DEATH

so think twice everyone before you turn someone away

cause they aren't your "bestie"

that may very well be their cry for help

think about it! 

all these little things we do EVERYDAY

that we dont even notice are considered bullying!

like giving mean looks at some girl you don't

like cause of SOME STUPID REASON

-rumors

-glaring

-EXCLUDING

-not accepting

-judging

-ETC. 

IT GOES ON AND ON AND WE DO IT EVERYDAY!

STOP IT!

mountain view students we like to think we are such

a great school and everyone is friends...are you

kidding me? thats the most bull crap i have ever heard!

we have had TWO kids who have gone to our school

take their lives! that is NOT OKAY!

reach out and stand up 

DO YOU NOT SEE THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM!

lets do SOMETHING about it before another one

of our fellow students is lost as well

you hear about stuff happening like this all the time

kids committing suicide...and you

think "oh thats so sad"

thats what i always did but then it hit me

not just close to home but

AT HOME

that was my 

SISTER and my FRIEND

my NEIGHBOR

and she is gone

im not okay...im a mess

if you have ever had to help with the funeral of your best friend

you can understand in a way but this

event has changed my entire life in a positive way for the most part 

i see who is really there for me

you guys know who you are

think twice everyone before you reject someone

who just needs a friend

rest in peace Rebeka Eliza Campbell

may angels lead you in

bekki was the best aunt to her nephew liam

here it comes

The end of high school. As those before me who have gone off to college I plan to follow them into the world. And as far as I know none of them have died of responsibility.......yet. Anyway as your typical high school student I haven't quite settled on what career I wish to pursue. My problem is I think I have it figured out then these other options come up. Right now I'm stuck between culinary school or being a fashion consultant. Totally different things I know. But when I talked with my mom the other day about college and such I told her, I'm going to culinary school and then she bombarded me with questions such as

-where?

-why?

-is there anything else you want to do?

-do you want to take a year to do your generals first?

and so many more! it really made me think so I started answering her questions and when I got to "is there anything else you want to do?" and I mentioned that I've always thought about being a fashion consultant but lets get real here in Utah there are -1 to 0 job openings for that. My mom then said "well you could always go to New York or L.A" and I said "yeah? where is that money going to come from?" and she said "we can make it happen" and then WOOSH it was like a whole other world of opportunity was there for me to explore. I'm not very convinced about it, but a girl can fantasize right? The more I think about college the more I realize I'm running out of time in high school and its time to get down to business. I do have a plan however, I want to live at home because I live like 5 ish blocks away from UVU and I want to enroll in their culinary program, I always hear such great things about it! so I would live at home until I had enough money to move out, then when I finish school I would like to work at a nice restaurant as a chef. Sounds like the life huh? well it does to me. I'm aware it's not going to come easily nothing in life does. But after that conversations with my mom I'm thinking about going out of state for college...? possibly. The way I see it is Utah has nothing left to offer me, all my family is here of course but there is so much to experience outside this bubble. I dont really have anything left to hold me down here. Like the song posted at the beginning "it all starts again in the end" there is a new chapter of life after high school..I just have to figure out what to do with it. It's all rather up in the air....still. But as far as me and cooking I have 4 steaks marinating in the fridge, the marinade smells...awful! I'm very skeptical about it...but we'll see then I'm going to make garlic knots.

those are pictures of what they are supposed to look like...but we'll see..

its been a while.

have no fear im not sharing my new years resolutions because...well its not like you really care, just sayin. but it HAS been a while since i have blogged! whats new? well i've been trying to get some snowboarding in...but there is no snow...and i just got off christmas break, so back in school...good thing i have super easy classes so its not a big deal to me, i worked EVERYDAY of christmas break basically, eh, but hey cant complain about the paychecks. 

now time for a totally random subject change..right after you listen to this song! cause it relates.

why do boys have it so easily? they can do whatever they want, they get away w/it all, no consequences but its not like that for girls...ooohhh no.

its so annoying, and if we question anything or bring up something that is bugging us, suddenly were "jealous and a drama queen" oh really? sorry for having feelings and opinions.

thats how i feel lately, if your following my drift at all, im just sick of not being able to put out my feelings with out seeming jealous, insecure, or dramatic, cause really its none of the above "i only want to be wanted by you" as jesse james would put it and further into that (for me) is i want you to want only me as well.

im only 17 a young one yes i am but.. i just want to find the guy who loves only me and will take me to the temple to get married and we can just live together no drama just us living happily ever after! i just want that someone already, maybe arranged marriages at a young age weren't such a bad idea??

this is another venting blog...because im not sure how many people really read this anyway so its kind of like my journal..sometimes. anyway thats all!

i want all of you, every day, you and me.

i am a sucker for love. big time. i love to love..

i want that love that drive you crazy

the kind where you cant stop thinking about the other

i want love where you have to stop kissing because your smiling too much

i want love where you dont feel insecure or jealous

i want love that makes you feel pure happiness

that love that makes you feel like a kid again

i want love that i dont have to question

i want someone to love me as much as i love them.

but sometimes people aren't on the same page in their relationship...and thats where the heart ache is...

i just want to love and be loved in return... 

 

 

BE A GENTLEMAN!!!!

 

i want someone to grow old with
someone to love me unconditionally
someone to love me at my worst when i least deserve it
someone who will listen and care about me 24/7
i just want that fairy tale love...

the ugly the good and the best. or something like that?

THE UGLY -  i work on thanksgiving :( my family has a thanksgiving lunch at 2 and i work from 1-6...yeah FML!!!! and i work 10 hours on black friday 2 - midnight


THE GOOD - thanksgiving is this thursday so there is only two days of school! YAY

THE BEST -  Taylor's family has a thanksgiving dinner so i am invited there(: yay at least i get to spend thanksgiving with the other family i love(: how sweet.

he's super handsome and wonderful(:

im not your baby gurlll

im not your home girl, your boo, or even your acquaintance. haha you may be black but doesn't mean you can give a stranger who is a female pet names. that just made me laugh. any who today has consisted of so much gee where do i start? psych. i'm so bored im blogging about nothing cause there is nothing else to do...i can tell you about my day...cause thats exciting...lets see first period i am a teachers aid. he is the baseball coach and a math teacher...so i just graded some math papers...then spent the rest of the time on pinterst.com its like facebook but BETTER! then i had dance and i always love dance were working on our christmas piece to a justin bieber song titled mistletoe im so excited. i LOVE preforming. then i had weight training and i had no desire to work out what so ever today so that was a fail but towards the end of class we played circle ball...some girls just cant handle that game. i am one of the girls who CAN. i have L O N G limbs and i just wrap them around the other team to tackle them. its worked out pretty well so far. then i had lunch so i came to my house with taylor and we made some pizzas then i had seminary and i fell asleep. THEN i came home and made mac and cheese....this girl can EAT. im like a bottomless pit to say the least. in fact im hungry again. then i did some dishes and took a nap...so productive. i need more in my life. i cant sit around like this all day. i refuse. what other topics have been on my mind? CHRISTMAS! the most wonderful time of the year. here is a sneak peak at my christmas list. dont hesitate to buy any of this for me i will certainly not object! 

the iphone4. i need a new phone. this..this little beauty is wonderful i dont care what you say.

this would look so cute in my room...or even just plain black.

i love me some long socks to keep not only my feet but also my calves warm in this cold winter season!

my board is so beaten up....and this one is pretty freaking rad.

a red mazda rx-8 ...hey a girl can dream right?

awkward

lately i've been on edge. everything bugs me and its been terrible. so today while i was blown off for the third day in a row. (ahem) i decided to try and do something positive to get me in a better mood. i took my lovely dog sam for a walk by the lake. it was fine, the weather was nice and the fresh air felt good. until i had an awkward moment you see, sam walked off the trail into the brush to investigate a strange sound or smell and she stepped into a bunch of stickers...poor thing so i was trying to get them out for her and this guy was walking towards us and i guess it shocked sam when i pulled a sticker out and she growled like a beotch at me and jumped on me and the guy freaked out thinking my dog was attacking me so he ran to my rescue which freaked sam out even more cause she thought he was tring to hurt me so she tried to attack him but her paws were covered in stickers which hurt her so she just flopped onto the ground growling instead. me and the stranger stared at sam then at each other then just laughed it off and he helped me get the stickers out of her paws. sam is a very friendly dog usually i dont know what got into her. anyway another awkward moment with a stranger happened just two days ago, i was at target getting a few things and then this guy starts pushing his cart along side me asking me "so what are we going to do for thanksgiving? im dreading your mom to be honest..." and im wondering "how does he know my mom?" then when i start listening again hes saying "you should make those potatoes anyway they are amazing your such a good cook im so lucky so have such an amazing beautiful wife like you" and im thinking "awwhhhh....WAIT! wife!?when the heck did i get married to you?! i dont even know you!" so i stare at him extremely confused. all the while were still walking around the store side by side and i...STILL haven't said anything. then he looks up at me...he looks just about as confused as i do and he sighs and says "you are not my wife" i reply "oh...uhmm, no im uh im not sorry?" then he says "im sorry this is awkward" then i say "yeah awkward"  then we just look at each other much too long and he walks away....hello most awkward moment of my life!? yeah .... well thats pretty much all.