im just going to come out and say it. i hate being single. i really do. ever since SEVENTH GRADE i have had a boyfriend. thats 6 years! and my last 2 relationships were a year and a half long...each. the only thing stopping those relationships were lds missions. which i fully support and understand so im not complaining too much about it. ha. anyway back on track i dont like being single cause i hate dealing with multiple guys! seriously...they just wanna "get some" or play games and i dont like that stuff. im a one man type of girl! but homie hopping is a close second? no just kidding. i really DONT know how to be single when it comes to interacting with guys...we start flirting then they think they can kiss me? sorry i gave you a hug but that doesnt mean you can shove your tongue down my throat now! right...? bleh! i just like relationships and i think being in love is the BEST feeling ever. but right now with all thats going on in my life and where i want to go being single is in the cards for me for a while...i guess i could stay away from guys but thats no fun! i just cant win you see...heck i dont want a boyfriend i want my HUSBAND! yeah...where is he!? thats all...
the past few days have been rough. i've been played for a fool and left to fend for myself. people like to play games...i feel like that's pretty immature personally. messing with someones emotions, friendships, and standards...like its some game. people are unreal. and for awhile i thought there was no escaping these mean people, games and heart ache. i felt like i would only hear of this magical place called "graduation" where the people you go to high school with wont matter and there is less drama and you go out into the world and make a name for yourself. sounds scary huh? but im more scared of staying in high school forever than the real world. so come at me bro! but through these past few days i have found some specific people who are REAL, who are REAL friends, who REALLY care, and who REALLY have my best intentions in mind. and through these few days i was only able to text/call them but the things they said to me kept me going, kept my head up and kept me pushing through each day, explaining to them what i was going through they all said i deserve better friends. that was kind of a slap in the face but a good wake up call. what am i doing with these people who only brought me down? so back to square one for me where i can count my friends on one hand. but i would rather have that than fake friends who dont give a dang about what happens to me and intentionally hurt me. its been painful. BUT to everyone going through something challenging just remember every trial WILL end and it will strengthen you and that for every bad day there is a good day. keep your head up. right now trials seem to continue to pile up and drive me deeper into the ground. my plate is overflowing, im drowning i cant explain how overwhelmed i feel. to get in ever DEEPER let me share what is on my plate. my best friend of 6 years bekki took her life, high school in general! the problems with "friends" i keep interacting w/people who bring me down like i said before in just 3 days i have been played for a fool by a guy, and teased, and my standards have been pushed to the limit! the stress of graduating, then college! boys....just in general. come on im a girl, i have boy problems and i let them effect me more than i should.... and i just miss people i miss taylor, i miss his company, his laugh and that he could always make me laugh SO hard. i miss scott, crazy things happened between us but i still have a love for him and i wish i could talk to him because no one has ever loved me like he did and thats something i miss. and just trying to fit in trying to get people to like you because thats how us humans are programed! we want to be accepted and its hard to put that aside and just do my own thing. it keeps adding up and right when i think im going to get a break i get another trial but there are these few friends who are keeping me sane! and because of them lately i've been able to enjoy each day and work through my trials because we all have them and many many people have it worse than i do! i feel like what i have going on is BABY stuff compared to what other people could be going through, so its really not that bad. im just thankful...so so thankful for the great people in my life that keep me going, support me, lift me up and take me to higher ground. i love you guys.
this is derek, and we have just recently become friends but he's been an angel. and he's been so sweet and comforting and im so so glad i have met him! he's the main reason i have had a change of heart and mind.
kenzie, i would be lost in a hole with out her. more than ANYONE she has helped me the most these past few months we are constantly texting and calling each other, she has been through some crazy stuff and she has been so helpful and uplifting. a true friend right here.
not only does she look like an angel but she is one too! 6 years strong me and dallas have been best friends, she puts everyone else first, she always has my back, she listens to me complain over and over again but at the end of the day and no matter what i know i can go to her and she will be there for me. she makes me laugh when i cry and she has never let me down. i love this girl to death.
B! brandon has just kept me smiling for the most part, he's such a clown and when things were at their worst this weekend he offered to come get me FROM ST.GEORGE. he's a stud. and that meant a lot to me cause we dont know each other that well yet but he still has my back.
my brother. kyle. he is my EVERYTHING, my world, my best friend, my hero. he gives the best hugs and just a hug from him will fix any and every problem i have. he is the sweetest boy i know. and he is SO POSITIVE! he always has something good to say and is always willing to help. just this morning he killed a big huge nasty spider for me. he is there for everything and has seen me at my worst multiple times. i cant imagine life with out him ever.
i love this feeling. the feeling of being content, even though life seems to be spinning out of my control. high school is finally coming to an end and realizing most of my friends will be gone..off doing their own thing. its kind of a scary, lonely feeling but im just okay with it. acceptance. acceptance is the key to life for me right now. accepting loss...the loss of 2 people i was so...SO very close to, accepting that high school isn't a COMPLETE hell...accepting that i have made many new friends this past week! and accepting myself, that im not perfect i cant be anyone else but me. im so happy and content right now. the feeling of a successful day doing productive things for the most part with great people. and just coming home to a happy father, a sweet text from a cute boy, and a compliment from a stranger(: life is good. oh and i fell in like with someone today.
