pre graduation

im leaving to go graduate in an HOUR! the biggest accomplishment of my life so far!

im so excited. i have never wanted to wear something so dorky and hideous in my life! 

when i went to the school this morning to get my cap and gown i was ready to pee my pants

in excitement! then when i got home and tried them on...well i laughed at myself first

i look ridiculous! the gown...too big, as it is on everyone im sure and we all know

how incredibly embarrassing that cap is but looking at myself in the mirror i just thought

I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT!

that is probably the most important uniform i will ever wear!

after all that i wanted to cry...high school is over all i have known for the past 18 years is 

all about to change i will be living a new life! but i didnt cry...because my senior year

has been the wort year of high school. which sucks senior year is supposed to be really

fun but it has been so hard for me! im just over it!

GRADUATION...BRING IT.

roller coaster

the roller coaster of emotions continues! holy cow lets see last night it was y.o.l.o aannnnddd stuff got crazy. im going to leave it at that. but today im really anxious, restless, nervous, and sick. and just heart broken. you see im loving someone who isn't going to be around long, im already attatched, im already in too deep and were not even sure what it is. but like i have said before, i love to love. but i can see the end (august) when he goes off to school, far away. its not going to last. but i cant help it. i knew this all along! and i still fell...helplessly. and now im stuck in this rut.

lately

yesterday was SUCH a good day! i had my sports medicine/exercise science final in the morning which i had stayed up very late the night before studying for...and i was so nervous! i felt like i didnt remember ANYTHING! took the test. 140% i beyond passed it! i even got a certificate for it!(:  then right after class i went to work to open the bakery and it was insanity! we had a order for BYU's athletic department...we made OVER 1700 cupcakes...ahhh :S soooooo much work. it was crazy but i got to work with whit and macy who i LOVE! so thats always fun. and i LOVE my job. seriously, it never feels like work to me. so work was going great as usual when whitney (my boss) says i need to talk to you and i start assuming the worst that im going to get fired etc. nope actually I GOT A RAISE! and at the end of the month if we meet our sales goals we get a bonus too. HELLO $$$ so that was great also(: then i went over to the apartment w/Dal and we painted...everything! we painted the chevron in the bedroom it looks soooo good! and we painted the bathroom and that my friends is the last of the painting i do believe!(: and when our paychecks come in we will buy our carpet then we can move in! and i graduate on wednesday! hopefully because im freaking out i had to do 2 packets i finished them but on skyward its not showing up that i did! uhmm hi...i HAVE to walk at graduation. stupid east shore. screw that. but....*breath in* *breath out* everything will be ok. and i have to open the bakery again today! so i should really stop blogging and go! but after work im going with my dear friend derek 4-wheeling! i have missed him so much! cant wait!

kinda numb

so much is happening so fast and at the moment...i just feel, nothing.

im GRADUATING in like...what 3-4 days..NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL

im MOVING OUT

im going to be living a WHOLE new life

i wont be surrounded by my family 24/7

i have to pay my own bills

im responsible for myself

no one can tell me what to do

those are BIG changes

i wouldnt say im scared but i wouldnt say im excited either...

im just kind of...ready to see how it all goes.

everyday i spend less and less time at school

today...a grand total of 30 minutes for dance

 i went, preformed my solo and left.

i cant stand school. i cant really stand the people there. 

thank goodness the immature dick heads are going on missions 

and will hopefully grow the heck up! 

and the most disgusting part of that is these guys going on missions 

a good half of them AREN'T WORTHY! 

are you kidding me? 

i have BEEN THERE! first hand and seen them 

DRINKING, 

SMOKING

 and talking about the sex they have had. 

and now your going on your mission? 

ok good luck with that. 

i cant wait to find the guy worthy of taking me to the temple and holding the priesthood. college...please big wonderful men in abundance. 

until then i will settle for my hoe-mance w/Dallas. haha

For Dallas

where do i begin? Dallas Louise Lyman is my best friend (obvi) ever since 7th grade! and she has seen it all with me. and she is STILL my friend ha WOW. this girl....is incredible. she has been my ROCK! when EVERYTHING in my life is spinning out of my control when im fighting with my family, stressing over school, crying over boys or stupid snitches at school or WHATEVER the HECK it may be she has remained the same. dallas is THEE best friend. ever. no your bestie doesn't even compare. AT ALL. dallas is there for me 24/7 once i climbed through her kitchen window at 6 in the morning because i needed her. or i've come to her house at 2 am because i needed her.and she is just there. always. she is more than my friend dallas is part of me! we think the same, say the same thing at the same time, finish each others sentences, speak with only looks or just words that dont even form a complete sentence. we have grown together...thinking back to 7th grade and who we were then to who we are now we are completely different! but we grew up together we made it through jr. high and now we have made it through high school side by side, we have shed many tears together from sadness, disappointment but we have shed more tears of laughter together. dallas is hilarious, with out fail when ever we hang out we have a new inside joke we have MILLIONS! every day a new memory is made. i do everything with dallas! EVVVEERRRRYYYTTHHHIINNNGGGG! especially shop! i refuse to shop with anyone else. just dal haha(: dallas is a great supportive friend, she comes to my dance concerts and back when i played softball she came to those games as well. she is always cheering me on and that means a lot to me. 

side note: this will be a very scatterbrained post because i have so much i want to say all at once, follow along if you can.

anyway, ROCK, rock is the best way for me to describe dallas, she has held me together these past two years....these past two years have been filled with some of the hardest challenges i have ever had to face. and i have always been able to run to dallas. i know i can always turn to her when im sad and she will make me smile and laugh and forget all the pain she has that effect on people. or if i just need to cry i can go to her and let my walls down and just let it out! mostly dallas has been my band aid....i have been broken hearted again...and again....and again these past two years, losing two boyfriends i love so much...thats always hard! come on now but she was there for me though when i had those boyfriends i didnt see her as much she still let me cry on her shoulder and she still ate hella junk food with me and watched chick flick all night with me. then bekki passed away...and i thought i would just die as well my heart has 

NEVER EVER....EVER 

been broken so bad so shattered so lost so torn apart i just thought....i cant make it through this. no way, in hell. and dallas was always by my side when i would suddenly burst into tears and just collapse onto the floor she picked me up and just cried with me. dallas just understand me, we dont need words anymore i swear just looks and feelings and we communicate. for bekki's funeral we played "hear you me" on guitar and sang we practiced and practiced and we were pretty confident with it...then it was the day of her funeral and it was our turn to walk up to the stand....my heart was just POUNDING i thought it would jump out of my chest and my knees were shanking i looked down at bekki's casket and i thought i CANT i just CANT but then i looked to dallas, though im sure she wasnt she seemed calm and put together and she looked at me i found the strength in me to make it through that song...knees shaking, heart pounding and everything then when it was over and we sat down we just leaned on each other, buried our faces in our hands and bawled our eyes out. dallas IS ....i am honestly crying right now....i am so thankful and so blessed to have dallas in my life if i didnt have someone so patient and so caring and SO GENUINE as her i would be a lost cause. people have come and gone but she has always stayed she has watched me cry as people have left...ha she has watched me cry a lot....but her always being there for me ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has made me a better person, she puts me in my place when needed, she lifts me up, she makes me feel good about myself, she makes me want to be a better person. and this isnt even like an eighth of what i could be saying about her im just losing it over here and i just want to go see her now! dallas....i just want you to know i LOVE you with all my heart, i would die for you i would do anything for you and i need you around i need you to keep holding me together you know me, you know my heart, you know everything about me! you are such a beautiful person inside and out dont ever change dont ever let anyone tell you differently you are so beautiful dallas so so stunning and beautiful your a girl dime! haha and you are so smart and so strong and so pure! you are so full of love and you are so wonderful and just perfect! im so glad i get to spend so much time with you and call you my best friend what did i ever do to deserve you!? i wish you success and the very best in life no matter what happens between us. you deserve the world dall on a silver platter. 

i love you.

almost there

a lot has been on my mind lately....im quite overwhelmed actually it seems like the "to do" list never ends...ever. graduation is in exactly two weeks from today! oh my gosh. the light at the end of the tunnel has never looked so bright! yes i still have to give one last big push to get my way out of the hell hole but i will make it out even if i come out crawling and bleeding i WILL graduate. and the satisfaction of graduation will be soooo sweet. 4 years of high school will have finally paid off, will have made me a smarter person, will have been worth all of those years, graduating will be one of the biggest accomplishments of my life so far! way to go me! then i will move out with dallas! thank goodness! i cant wait to be on my own. the apartment is almost fully painted! i will put up before and after pictures once its all done. its going to be so cute. i really need to focus on school right now instead of blogging...ugh.

me & mr.wrong

i wear my heart on my sleeve

 i love to love and be loved

and that sometimes screws me over

 like now

when im already in too deep 

even though i tried to fight it

thats just how i am

but im sitting here and i can see the heart ache down the road 

not too far away....

and i dont know how to stop it

 i dont know how to get out easily and pain free

but at the same time i dont want out....

i want this as long as possible

when it comes to love there is always pain...

being unsure causes a lot of pain

and i am extremely unsure of a lot of things right now

which explains the pit in my stomach and the wrenching pain enclosing my heart

i have a love hate relationship with love

if that makes any sense to anyone else?