It's strange how a song can surface so many memories. I have always believed in the power of music. I believe music can do about anything, from healing a broken heart, to being the perfect pick me up. Sometimes it is overwhelming how strong music can be. What it can do to someone. The lost memories a song can bring back. The memories we stuff away in the furthest, deepest, darkest corners of our mind. I had that happen to me  today...the song brought back so many good memories...but it also brought back the most painful memories I have ever experienced in my life. Heartbreak isn't something you forget. No matter where you stash those memories I believe that music will find them. And I believe that they are brought up again for a reason, that memories are made to STAY and not fade. It scares me that music can literally bring me to my knees, sobbing, gasping for air. It scares the living hell out of me.

The song I am talking about is Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World

And the memories with this song are associated with Rebeka Eliza Campbell. Good memories like going to the army pool with her and her family or lighting tons of stuff on fire. But sadly, more than anything this song brings back sad memories. Like playing guitar and singing this song at her funeral. To be up on a stand in front of tons of people, knees shaking, psalms sweating, heart racing, chest tightening and lungs ready to explode...all while trying not to bawl my eyes out. It is the worst feeling I have EVER felt in my life...to be in front of so many people looking down at my best friends casket...and having to sing. 

I miss Bekki every single day. I think about her every single day. How could I not? I pass her house every day of my life. It's awful....and I cant even image how all of this is for her family...haven't they gone through enough? where is God's mercy? sometimes I simply dont understand any of this, none of it makes sense and I get so angry! I have so many questions....

But more than anything my heart is simply broken from the loss. And I dont think even music can heal this wound.